Pandemic Triple “A”
In February and the beginning of March, 2020, it was difficult to see what was coming. Our church sponsored a February mission trip to New Mexico. My husband and I took a train trip out to the countryside for a weekend retreat Then, suddenly, our life in New York City came to a screeching halt. Everything that was familiar turned upside-down, and we were having to think through just about every aspect of our existence with new eyes. I heard one commentator say, “God has sent us to our room to think about what we have done.” It certainly felt that way.
ANXIETY
Now, the fall season is here. There has been time to reflect on all that this “pandemic” has taught. I have found three specific things that God has pointed out to me while I am “stuck in this room to think about things.” Number one is anxiety. When there was no real “day to day” external schedule, it was much easier to feel anxious about many more things. “Where will the next pack of toilet paper come from?” “When do the groceries arrive?” “What will we do at church for worship?” “How will I keep up with those I love?” “Why is my mail not arriving?” And on and on. God has tried, in these past weeks, to teach me about his provision for my anxiety.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27, NIV
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7 NIV
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God, believe also in me.” John 14:1 NIV
The first lesson was that I needn’t have anxiety about provision. I wanted to make the case that a lack of “provisions” was causing the anxiety. But it was not. We were never hungry or in the dark or in the cold. And, even if we had been, there would be ways that God was providing, even if we didn’t recognize it. The admonition throughout scripture to “Give thanks in everything” makes the grip of anxiety loosen. In following God, we are relieved from the bondage of circumstances providing (or not providing) our contentment. Whether or not circumstances make one “happy” or comfortable (quarantine, medical procedures, loved ones far away and inaccessible) does not provide a good anchor for our contentment or lack thereof. Paul, in the New Testament, writes:
“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:12-13, NIV
Although my anxiety is not gone, it is certainly lessened. I will rebelliously (rebellious against my anxious nature) have faith, even when I can’t see very far ahead, and when I have to stop relying on my own providing for my needs. God hasn’t failed me, ever.
ANGER
The second of my “Triple Pandemic A’s” is anger. Since the “shut down,” I have asked myself: “Why has God allowed this virus to sicken and kill so many people?” “Why should I have to mask myself and quarantine?” What is happening to the country with all of the hoarding and greed?” “How could God give all the children such a rotten spring and summer?” As I prayed and listened to God, I was forced to notice that much of my anger was directed at God. Since I couldn’t find a way to be angry at a germ, I found myself angry at the One at the top of the “power chain.” My sense of entitlement and deserving far outstripped my sense of peace and contentment. Instead of “giving thanks in all circumstances,” I looked around for someone to blame; someone who I felt was causing me so much trouble and discomfort. I pretended that I had a “righteous” anger, but God was all along showing me that my anger was simply petulant.
If, perhaps, I was a “first responder,” or if I had known many of the people sick and dying, or if I was sick, I might have some legitimate “righteous” anger. But, when I was finally honest with myself and with God, I was mostly angry because my life was interrupted and inconvenient. Plus, God showed me how this ill-bred, and untargeted anger did not do anything constructive, anyway. It simply made me cross and unpleasant.
“ . . . because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” James 1:20, NIV
I believe that my anger was simply fear and discomfort, squeezing itself out in a way that seemed to make me more “in control.” With anger, I did not have to explain or justify my snappy and irritated way of going through the day. I never had to look inward and question myself and my own motives if I could find someone else to blame, even if that “someone else” was God. God graciously showed me that he is in control of everything and that my comfort and control are not (necessarily) the most important things in his plan for the universe. While I never felt that God intended or was happy with the pandemic results, I did become more confident in his goodness and “unfailing-ness.” There are many evils and sadnesses throughout human history. God has addressed it by sending his own son to atone for it, and to defeat death, the source of most of our fears and troubles.
ACERBIC
The third “A” is being acerbic. More subtle than nail-biting anxiety or all-out anger, the habit of a sharp, sarcastic tongue has been part of my “pandemic personality.” God is showing me that a lack of community around, odd and impulsive eating habits and a dearth of purposeful exercise can fill me with a harsh and critical spirit. I am less patient with others and less patient with myself because I am not centering myself on what is going right, but only on what I am feeling is going wrong. Connected with an absence of contentment and a sense of entitlement, being acerbic gives me an impenetrable cover that can even seem funny or “sassy,” but is one that keeps me from recognizing my own vulnerability. I can keep people at arm’s length, and still laugh and joke, although the laughter and joking are, at the root, harsh and critical.
“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand in the way that sinners take or sit in the company of mockers.” Psalm 1:1 NIV
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.” Proverbs 4:24 NIV
A pandemic attitude that includes lack of discipline and “filters” is a clear way for the Enemy of Christ-followers to score big at reducing the gracious influence and advancement of God’s kingdom. My harsh and cryptic words, whether about personal, political, or church issues (out loud or on social media) can seem clever and “in vogue,” but can tear down my brothers and sisters in Christ who might have another view of things.
“Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless.” James 1:26, NIV
Today, I am thankful that God has worked with me during this unusual time in the world’s history. I am glad to have a living and active God, who refuses to let me remain in my own selfishness and worry. I am praying that I can rise above the anxiety, anger, and acerbic attitude in this worrisome pandemic time, and use my thoughts, remarks, and creative impulses to honor God and his kingdom.
“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12, NIV